without love.

For as long as I can remember the one thing that has scared me the most is waking up 10 years from now alone. 

I was raised in a home with just my mother and I. Most of that time she was at work, so that left me at home by myself. Not to saw she's a bad mother but it was kinda lonely. Anyways as I got older, I watched my mother struggle and there was never a knight in shining armor there to come and rescue her when things got too tough. 

Something in my heart and my head refuses to be like her. I refuse to struggle for the rest of my life. I refuse to be alone. 

I think about this all the time. All i want out of this life is to get married, have children, and be able to live in a stable environment with them. Give them everything I never was able to have. 

My biggest fear is that I will fail at life. By this I mean that I will never be able to have that 50 year anniversary with my husband and that my kids wont be able to be raised in a home filled with the love and happiness that my husband and I provide.

It hurts me every time I think about it. I guess because i know what it feels like to not have both of your parents in your life or what its like to live in an abusive home or for your parents to get divorced and have your whole life twisted up and changed. That's really no fun.

I want better for my life and my children.

And children is another fear. I fear everyday that I wont be able to have kids of my own. But the reason it's not my biggest fear is because i am a strong believer in adoption, No matter what I will have children..biological or not.  

I'm just afraid that I wont ever find anyone to love me for me. Someone who makes me life and looks at me for the person I am today and not judge me by what I've done in the past. I want someone who is willing to work with me and successfully lead a good life. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who'll still give me butterflies 15-20 years from now. Someone that'll grow old with me. Someone who'll love me in and out.

To never find that kind of love is saddening. What's life if you have no one to share it with.