without love.

For as long as I can remember the one thing that has scared me the most is waking up 10 years from now alone. 

I was raised in a home with just my mother and I. Most of that time she was at work, so that left me at home by myself. Not to saw she's a bad mother but it was kinda lonely. Anyways as I got older, I watched my mother struggle and there was never a knight in shining armor there to come and rescue her when things got too tough. 

Something in my heart and my head refuses to be like her. I refuse to struggle for the rest of my life. I refuse to be alone. 

I think about this all the time. All i want out of this life is to get married, have children, and be able to live in a stable environment with them. Give them everything I never was able to have. 

My biggest fear is that I will fail at life. By this I mean that I will never be able to have that 50 year anniversary with my husband and that my kids wont be able to be raised in a home filled with the love and happiness that my husband and I provide.

It hurts me every time I think about it. I guess because i know what it feels like to not have both of your parents in your life or what its like to live in an abusive home or for your parents to get divorced and have your whole life twisted up and changed. That's really no fun.

I want better for my life and my children.

And children is another fear. I fear everyday that I wont be able to have kids of my own. But the reason it's not my biggest fear is because i am a strong believer in adoption, No matter what I will have children..biological or not.  

I'm just afraid that I wont ever find anyone to love me for me. Someone who makes me life and looks at me for the person I am today and not judge me by what I've done in the past. I want someone who is willing to work with me and successfully lead a good life. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who'll still give me butterflies 15-20 years from now. Someone that'll grow old with me. Someone who'll love me in and out.

To never find that kind of love is saddening. What's life if you have no one to share it with. 

Justin

No one will ever understand the love i have for him. People always question why i love him so much. To tell you the truth i really dont know why i love him so much. Maybe it's because he's always been so sincere with me. He's never tried to be anything but himself. In my eyes, he's perfect and I know he'll always be there for me. On my darkest days i know i could call him up and he'll do his best to cheer me up. He may not always do any cheering but just him trying his hardest makes me feel better.
Justin is THAT guy.
The reason for me getting to this subject is he tagged me in a post today....on Facebook. It was a post of a song "He wants It All". I would think nothing of it but he never does things like this. We almost barely talk nowadays. I dont mind that though. He'll always be in my life. It's just that this song.... It has me thinking. you know, about the meaning.
I think he's secretly sending me a message. to get my life right but who knows I could just be thinking to deeply into this. It could have just been a spur of the moment type of this.
Ya'll just dont know how this young man makes me feel. He makes me want to be this better me. He makes me want to accomplish so much just i can make him proud of me.
I love him so much for just being there and never passing judgement over me. For always being his true self....even though i know he's scared to death about what life and god has in store for him.
And you know I wasnt even planning to write about this tonight. I had a whole other topic to ramble on about. But on my way home I day dreamed anout him. (like i do every other guy I've had feelings for).....and then as soon as i get on Facebook BOOOM, there it is. This post of a song with some people tagged in it and me the last one tagged. idk....i think god wanted to me to see that.
I dont know. I think God just wants Justin in my life. And you know...I'm glad cause Justin is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
Justin if you ever get around to reading this... ILY. =)

Her.

I miss her so much. She's was one and only true friend for about a year while I was in high school. We did everything together. She was with me the first time I skinny dipped (it was her first time too). I wish i could go back in time just so we could go back to the old days when it was just just her and I.

God. I really miss her. Everytime i allow myself to think about her, I just cry. I mean ball my eyes out. No one will EVER know the live I have for this girl. Or that the reason I cry is because of the things that happened that cause us to be the way we are now.

I really love this girl to death. No lie.

Our friendship started off like any other one, with a commonality. She had just moved down from Ohio and I had been living in Dallas for about a year. We had no one else to really hang with in apartment complex so naturally we stuck with each other.

We had so many crazy times together. For example, we spent an entire month traveling back a forth to a trap house because we enjoyed their company. We got put out of an apartment complex pool for trespassing. We got a ride with some africans to the trap house once. We smoked tons of weed. Omg i really cant think of everything,

But anyways we were each other's ride or die. We were tight all the way until March of 2008.

It was the Monday before spring break. For me it was just a regular day. I had gone to school, bible study, and church. Little did i know my world was about to be turned upside down. I'll never forget this day because when I got home my mom and ReRe's mom had some news for me.

First they told me she ran away. Then....the reason why.

A couple of weeks before that day, ReRe went got tested for HIV. When the results came back, they were positive. But that not the entire reason she ran away. She ran away because her mom took upon herself to warn the neighborhood about the guy who gave it to her daughter, therefore her mom told everyone ReRe had it.

I was totally crushed when I found out. I felt like the universe had just took my bestest friend in the entire world away from me. I was so scared for her. At that moment all i wanted to do was see her and just hug her and tell her that everything would be alright.

But I couldnt, at least not at that moment. Luckily she returned home that same night. As soon as she got back she came to me and apologized to me. She said she was sorry for not telling me sooner and asked if I was mad at her. At that point in time i realized i could NEVER be mad at her. With everything that she was going through she was still worrying about me and my feelings. One of the most caring people in this world and she ended up with HIV.

She's just sweetest person you'll ever meet and one of the happiest and i say this in the present tense because she's still the same way.

After that a whole bunch of drama took place and she was placed in foster care while her brothers were sent back to Ohio to live wit their aunt. That week before spring break was the last time I saw her before moved back to New Orleans that summer. I had just turned 17. I'm 20 now. Since then though, I have seen and talked to her. She's doing well...just got her tubes tied, after having two kids. The father of her children knows of her condition and is okay with it.

Even though she's alive and well today, I still wish could go back to the way things used to be between us. I miss having my sister.

who am i???

That's a good question. It's a question in which i have yet to answer. I really don't know who i am...and its not like im trying to find out. My entire life I've just gone with the wind, not saying that's a good thing but it's what im used to.

Sometimes i feel like a strnger to myself and to everyone around me. I feel like no one will ever truly get me and the on person I think has a clue I don't even speack to anymore...Jasmine. She's my bestfriend. We've been kicking it since the 5th grade and hace yet to call it quits. I miss her so much that it hurts ti even think about it. That goes for not just her but all of my bestfriends, Samantha, Anna, Dj, Gieselle, Areshia. Its funy how the people i consider my bestfriends are the ones i barely ever talk to anymore. Without them I dont make since. I guess that's why I'm having trouble figuring out who i am nowadays. For so long I've always been paired off with people.

I've always had someone there for me. To help me get through things. To give me advise. To yell at me when I'm wrong. An dnow I feel so lost without them. They're all so distant from me. It's too hard trying to live without your other half.

I feel so incomplete. I've always depended on them for everything. I got so swept up into their lives or "our lives" that i forgot to have one of my own. I forgot to think for myself. I forgot to live for myself. I just forgot. And now that their gone, I'm a lost cause.

But everyday I go on with this big smile like nothing is wrong.